NEW TEXAN’S DIARY

May 30th:
Just moved to Dallas , Texas .
Now this is a city that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
I watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the
lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least it’s kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died
and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000
leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets
in this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s
hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is not working and the AC
repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn
house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come
here?

Aug. 4th:
It’s 109 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity
makes the house feel like it’s about 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this
stupid city.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass asks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the
black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my ass was on fire. I
lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do shit for 2 damn
months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing now, so my
$1700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the damn pool.
Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came
to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the
$1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to
live here…We’re MOVING…

You are correct, we’re with DreamHost. We also have a shiny new dedicated server with another provider that we need to start utilizing one of these days… when time allows…

dork.

“It’s not too Goldang hot, kinda sticky, though” is reported on weather.com as “78 degrees F, 75% humidity.

Then there is “It’s almost too Goldang nasty to git out” translates to “90 degrees F, 80% humidity.”

And finally, there’s “I’d almost go live with them Goldang wierdos in Canada, it’s so Goldang awful out, I s#!t you not! Now Goldang you, woman, you better go git me a Goldang beer!” which means “98 degrees F, 100% humidity, no Nascar race that weekend, time to trim the Kudzu from the trees out back.”

And has it been hot here lately? Well, here’s my weather reaport:

“Not too Goldang bad, compared to them poor sonsabitches in California, but I better lay in some extra beer.” This means here in Charlotte, North Carolina it’s about 90 degrees F, 65% humidity.

Floj: Tomorrow, y’all could bake a pie on the hood ‘a my pickup! Big ‘un, too – apple, maybe. That’s hot, now. Goldang.