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A study by researchers at MIT produced alarming results which throw the security of every paranoid person’s thoughts into question. It seems that the “tin foil hat”⁠—often the brain’s only line of information defense⁠—is ineffective for the task of blocking government-controlled radio frequencies. In fact, in some cases, these aluminum anti-intrusion devices actually amplify the radio waves.

Of course, this is all assuming the government isn’t manipulating this research to destroy the our confidence in the protective powers of tin-foil.

From the study’s web page:

Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyser [sic], we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government’s invasive abilities. We theorize that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

What will the paranoids do now to protect their precious thoughts? Perhaps a mass migration to the use of make-shift Faraday cages constructed from discarded SOS pads.