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Rather than linger any longer on this tedious topic, here are some home-grown dad jokes. If there is any order in this universe, the comments section will fill with more of the same.

Q: What is the flavor of a chair?
A: Chairy.

Do you even know the meaning of the word ‘rhetorical?’ Don’t answer that!

My friend bought an alarm clock that makes loud farting sounds in the morning. He’s in for a rude awakening.

You’re right, these ARE my orthopedic shoes. I stand corrected.

I want a good game of hide and seek, but skilled players are hard to find.

Like tight sweaters, corporate acquisitions are hard to pull off.

I was offered a job at the mirror factory. I could see myself working there.

Did you hear about the farmer in Colorado raising cannabis-fed cattle? The steaks are high.

Q: What is the best stocking stuffer?
A: A foot.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’ve gotten clean.

I finally worked up the courage to tell my hot female coworker how I felt. She felt the same. So we turned down the thermostat.

The universal remote: This changes everything.

Q: How fast are donkey trucks?
A: They haul ass!

It smells like death in there, and not in a good way.

My dad demanded that I go fetch some water from that deep hole in the ground. He means well.

Calendar makers: Your days are numbered.

A: I enjoy cooking with ghee, but I don’t buy it, I make my own.
B: Thank you for clarifying.

I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia.

I bought my wife a new refrigerator. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Did you hear about the hilarious thing that happened at the mandatory meeting? I guess you had to be there.

Remember that sweet grandmother on Twitter who thought that ‘lol’ meant ‘lots of love’? “Sorry to hear about your uncle passing. lol.”

Yesterday, we were standing at the edge of a cliff. Since then we have taken a huge step forward.

We had to cancel the big game of tag because somebody got hurt. It was touch and go there for a while.

“Of course you can count on me,” said the abacus.

IBS is genetic, you know. Runs in the family.

My grandfather once told me, “It’s worth investing in good speakers.” That was some sound advice.

Extreme camping is in tents.

The solar panel company wouldn’t let me pay for the installation. They said it was all on the house.

I was chopping herbs all day, and now my hands are quite fragrant. I’ve got too much thyme on my hands.

A weather balloon measures about 4 feet in diameter (adjusting for inflation).

A: Have you ever had a flatulence-based tea?
B: Yes, but it’s been far too long.

Like a German dietitian, I tend to see the wurst in people.

I don’t care for rulers. That’s where I draw the line.

Why did the farmer propose to his horse? He wanted a stable relationship.

I still think whiteboards are one of mankind’s most remarkable inventions.

The Earth has successfully rotated around its axis. Let’s call it a day.

My daughter dropped a brand new tube of toothpaste and it made a big mess. She was crestfallen.

You’ve got to hand it to customs agents: Your passport.

My friend tried to steal a box of lipstick for us, but she accidentally grabbed a box of glue sticks. My lips are sealed.

Elevators: They take things to a whole other level.

A friend gave me an expired pack of batteries. They were free of charge.

Comedy: To taste a bit like a comet.

A: How many times do I have to apologize?
B: Once!
A: Not gonna happen!

My wife said that the battery in my hearing aid needed to be replaced. That was difficult to hear.

I asked the ski lift operator if I could get a free ride to the top of the mountain. He didn’t take me up on it.

What makes a sentence a tongue twister? It’s hard to say.

If you visit Mexico, remember to use the word “mucho.” It means a lot to them.

There are more hydrogen atoms in a single molecule of water than there are stars in the solar system.

To whoever discovered the number zero: Thanks for nothing.

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